When I Am Weak

You know those days when the struggle with flesh is vividly apparent? When you can feel yourself swiftly and easily sliding into sin? When the ground has already given way beneath your toes and you know you are in grave danger of falling? Today was that day.

Disappointment turns into bitterness. Frustration gives way to grumbling. Concern morphs into proud and critical judgment. As thought rolls over sinful, angry thought, I begin to feel overwhelmed. Not only with the situation provoking me, but with my frail faith that is so quick to forget how much I have been forgiven and how much I ought to forgive others.

As I hear the Spirit's whisper, I feel the conflict grow stronger. Longing for holiness, lusting for sin. I ache for the fight to end quickly, pleading the Spirit to silence my thoughts so I don't have to continue striving, but the battle continues throughout the day. I feel the complaints pushing at the back of my tongue. More stones give way beneath my feet. I cling and ask Him to hold me until this battle ends. He comforts me with these precious Words and I feel as though He was thinking of me when He breathed them into being.

Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.
God is faithful,
and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability,
but with the temptation He will also provide the way of escape,
that you may be able to endure it.

Humbled by His faithfulness to me in the midst of my faithlessness to Him. I cling to His grace, asking him to enable me to give it to others. And I thank Him for allowing me to feel my fraility because it causes me to rely only on His strength and grace. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  I know my battle isn't over, but I also know that He has already secured my victory. Thank you Jesus.

September - Sweet-sounding Word

The 1st of September holds as much newness and anticipation as the 1st of a new year. It has been this way to me for as long as I remember. Time to return to a more structured schedule after the carefree busy-ness of summer.

I love making schedules. But I hate following them. So I make long lists of responsibilities, goals, ministries, and opportunities. I tend to get so very excited and try to swallow everything whole and smash it into the tidy lines of a notebook. Everything looks so do-able and reasonable and productive on paper. After a few weeks of struggling to carry it all though, my long list of possibilities has become a record of failure. A guilty reminder that I didn’t complete what I set out to do, or at the very least, a reminder that I didn’t do it as well as I had expected to.

Then I lecture myself on laziness, on my short temper, and on my resentment of the tasks I formerly enjoyed. And I forget that all of these attitudes are symptoms of a disease, and no matter how hard I work to cure the symptoms, it will be a fruitless battle unless I find an accurate diagnosis for my condition.

The 1st of September is wooing me again this year. Trying to make me believe that I will miss out if I don’t embrace every offered opportunity. Trying to convince me that if I don’t accept every ministry as my personal mission, than I am a poor Christian. Trying to induce me to walk in my own strength, to buckle down and just try harder.

So I am having the conversations with myself again. Am I taking on too much? Am I being lazy for trying to simplify? I should say no more often. No, I shouldn’t be so focused on my schedule, I need to be more flexible. Paul talks about being poured out as a drink offering. Am I being selfish with my time? What about my husband? It doesn’t feel right to pour myself out to others so that I am empty for him. But what about having eyes for the needs of others? Do I have unrealistic expectations for myself? I don’t want to be one of those wimpy people who can’t handle everyday responsibilities. Neither do I want to be one of those agitated people who have no peace in their lives and run around one step behind their to-do lists.

I so desperately want to do everything well! And it hurts my pride to say that I can’t take something on. My mind remembers the stinging embarrassment of telling someone I didn’t have the time to commit to some activity and hearing their scornful “You can’t handle this workload? Man, you are going to be in trouble when you have kids to take care of if you’re already overwhelmed now!” Internally, I responded defensively and with anger, followed by a discouraged wondering if they were right.

As I remember that conversation, the memory helps to reveal my heart issue: a deeply rooted pride. This desire to be able to handle it all, to show myself capable, to be excellent in all I do, to receive the approval of those who will tell me when I am not doing enough. A perfectionism that seeks satisfaction in the approval of myself and others. This pride takes my Spirit-driven desire to serve my Lord and His people and twists my motives into self-service and renders my efforts useless and exhausting. I ignore my desperate need of the Spirit's strengthening power and forget that all my breath, my very ability to move and work, comes from Him alone.

Father, give me the ability to discern what you desire from me in this season. Give me eyes to see that everything I do is to be done for your glory and allow that to motivate me to pursue excellence in everything my hands find to do. Forgive me for trying to earn the approval of man instead of seeking how I might please you with my time and my actions. Thank you so much that I don’t have to earn Your approval, that Christ's blood has purchased it for me forever.. Thank you that I can approach Your throne in confidence, knowing that when You look at me, You see the righteousness of Your Son. Forgive me when I arrogantly think that I need to add the filthy rags of my good works to the sacrifice of Christ before I can walk in joy before You. Please take the offering of my life as a sacrifice of praise, poured out to Your will and use it to Your glory.

A lot can happen in 11 months.

Settling into a one-bedroom apartment

Homemade fall decorations being replaced by homemade winter ones

Our first Christmas as husband and wife

Packing up a few months later to move into a three-bedroom house with wisteria and shade trees

Afternoon drives to mom's and dad's to cure homesickness

Evenings spent studying with husband for his classes

A diamond on my sister's left hand

A new job

A spring-break road trip with precious friends

A graduation celebration for another sister

The birth of a nephew

Pinwheels, cottonwoods, fireworks, first kiss, and a gold band is added to my sister's diamond 

A road trip to California, four days of the Word, increased resolve

Playing in flower bed dirt, working on small house projects side by side, daydreaming of more to come

Tasting and seeing. The Lord is so very good.

Abounding Still More And More

Happy 15 day anniversary my husband. Love you.

Month of Sunflowers

So much running around these days! Mom and I spent six hours in town this afternoon running errands, chatting (about wedding plans, honeymoon plans, life plans) and enjoying lunch with a dear friend. When we finally got home, I ran back into town because I realized I needed to pick up a few items from Ricky's house in order to complete one of my wedding projects. He wasn't home from work yet, so I enjoyed tidying up the living room and emptying the sink of dishes. It's not much longer until it will be my official job to do those chores, so I enjoyed one of my last chances to do it solely to bless him and not just because I have to.

Driving home, the Lord blessed me with quiet. I noticed the light on the cornfields, the sunflowers lining the road, and the golden sheen of hay bales. I love August. Love, love, love it's beauty. It reminded me to thank the Lord for all He has done instead of worrying about all I need to do.

Two Augusts ago, my almost-Mother-in-law introduced me to my almost-husband while he was visiting. I laughing told my mother that afternoon that yet another person at church had tried to set me up with their son. He went back to California for school and I didn't think of him again for about six months. That was when dad mentioned that there was this guy who wanted to talk to me....

Last August found me delighting in two weeks of having him visiting in Idaho. By the end of them, I admitted to my sister that I loved this man.

And this August, I am weeks away from marrying him. Tasting and seeing the goodness of my King!

My Goal Today

When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now.

Insofar as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all.

When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased. 
~ C. S. Lewis, Letters of C.S. Lewis (8 November, 1952)

(Thank you to girltalkhome.com/blog/my-earthly-dearest for this convicting quote.)

 

 

Saturday Mornin's are Bestest!

Especially when you wake up and realize you only have six weeks until your wedding. Which also means only six more Saturday mornings of waking up in this house.  I value the present moment more when I realize how fleeting it is.

Saturday mornings when we have nowhere we need to go are so deliciously restful. As the kiddos wake up, they sleepily migrate one by one into mom and dad's room and find a corner of the king sized bed to cuddle into. The sound of chattering, tickling, and playful pushes off the bed pulls the rest of us in to find out the plan for the day. Errands to run later, weeding the garden, more wedding planning.  

The smell of the baked oatmeal the little girls started last night is filling the house. Breakfast is eaten with Jars of Clay or Third Day providing the soundtrack to our life.

Kitchen is messy from breakfast dishes and the kiddos are making a pretence of cleaning it and acting busy so that they can avoid dad's reminders about weeding the garden. His bellowing of "Let's go!" finally convinces them to put on shoes and hats and head out before it gets too hot.

And the house quiets now as the chattering heads outdoors. The sounds of dishwasher and laundry getting started mix with the music on the radio to motivate us older peeps to tackle our to-do lists. 

Golden years are passing by....

Life As An Engaged Girl

I am giving in. Friday mornings are usually my get-stuff-done time since I don't have to work. The time usually gets filled with studying, errands, little to-do things Ricky may have asked me to work on, cleaning my messy room, or doing wedding stuff. This morning though, instead of focusing on the mile-long to-do list, I am taking the next fifteen minute slot in my schedule to type. There, now that the decision is made I can feel like I am accomplishing something instead of feeling guilty for ignoring ten other somethings. *Relaxing sigh*

Minutes, hours, days.  They are filled with trying to cram in much too much too much.

Trying to understand what is priority and what is not worth the stress.

Planning. Writing to-do lists.

Changing my mind. Writing new to-do lists
.
Filling up the remainder of my days as a Miss in preparation to be a Mrs.

Wondering how we are going to get it all done in time.

Studying our premarital counseling assignments. Discussing. Writing. Laughing.

Realizing nothing will be perfect. Not even my perfect man or the "perfect" girl he is marrying.

Striving for perfection anyway.

Praying. Lots of praying.

Making time for just the two of us. At least fifteen minutes of no stressful topics allowed!

Cherishing time with my family.

Laughing. Lots of laughing.

Holding on to the moments while counting down the days.

22 Days Ago

The world became sparkly-er!

May 1st, 2010

Bless the Lord Oh my soul!

Psalm 103:1

Here I Raise My Ebenezer

Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and named it Ebenezer, saying "Thus far the Lord has helped us". 1st Samuel 7:12

This afternoon I began a study of the lives of Samuel and Saul with my church's women's Bible study. We are using this book:

And I am really excited! Mostly because I know it will provide me accountability for digging deeply into the Word.

One of the verses we went over today was 1st Samuel 7:12. The Lord had just won a great triumph for Israel; He had "thundered with a great thunder" and routed the Philistines before Israel. Samuel set up a stone and called it Ebenezer - "stone of help". It was erected as a memorial to Israel and to her enemies of what the Lord had done there.

Here I raise my Ebenezer; Hither by Thy help I've come.

During our discussion time we discussed what some of our personal "ebenezers" are. What are the reminders of God's graciousness and accomplishments in our lives?

One of mine is my journals. Mom gave me my first journal as a birthday gift when I was nine. At the time, I *knew* I was going to be famous someday, so I began my journal for the purpose of providing my biographers with some record of my childhood. Hence, (I love that word!) the plethora (love that one too!) of flowery language and minute details contained in that journal.

Somewhere around my early-mid teens, I decided I was embarrassed by the *childishness* that my....ummm...*childhood* journal displayed (not to mention the bad grammar, horrors!) and proclaimed I wanted it to be buried with me, unread by any other eyes.

From that point, I journaled mainly to allow myself to think on paper. Writing is one of the ways I think through what I am learning. It is also an emotional outlet and I tend to write the most when I am very excited or very upset. I imagine if anyone were to read my journals (an event that I still want to avoid...biographers will just have to find other sources) they would think I am rather unstable! But because I do write mostly in the extremes of my emotions, my journals contain a lot of the major (major to me anyway) happenings of the last 12 years of my life. (Wow, am I really that old?) Even though I have never been very regular in my journaling, my little row of pretty notebooks chronicles many instances of God's grace and blessings to me. In this way, they are my ebenezers.

My other ebenezer is a little pearl necklace I received when I was about 16-ish. My grandpa always sends his grandaughters some money around Christmas and birthdays to buy themselves something pretty.

On this occasion, I had been wanting a pearl necklace. Pink, to be exact. And not any of those big huge ones that old ladies wear, I wanted young-looking pearls. I knew that I wasn't going to be getting it though since the price tag for pearls was more than what I had to spend. I didn't tell anyone what it was I really wanted and I didn't feel sorry for myself about not getting it either. It was just a fancy that had flown into my head and I pushed it out since it was impossible.

A week or so later, I was out and about with my mom and sisters at a craft exhibit. They had a door prize and I heard my number hollered over the loudspeaker. As I walked to the front table to get my prize, I started walking faster. "Maybe...."

The lady handed me a white, rectangle box and inside was a delicate pink pearl necklace.

I knew exactly who the Giver was because only one Person knew that I had wanted that necklace. It was a totally unnecessary blessing and I was humbled and amazed that my Lord chose to care about such a little thing. Each time I wear my pearls I am reminded that I serve a God who cares about little things and He blesses abundantly beyond what I can ask or think.

What are your ebenezers?

Been Spring Cleanin'

I have been trying to organize my bedroom the last couple evenings, a process similar to sticking an over-sized circle into a square and trying to push the edges of the circle out so that they fill all four corners of the square. In the midst of going through clothes (of which I have too many) and trying to figure out where to put all my books, (of which I never have enough) and wishing I had wall space for another bookshelf, I decided it was time to pack up some of the ballet stuff that is still all over my room. Since dance was my all-consuming passion for almost ten years straight, I collected quite a lot of paraphernalia and needed to begin the task of sorting through it all and figuring out what is sentimental enough to keep, what can be sold, and what needs to be tossed.

So, a pile of dance skirts is headed to an ebay sell, my old dance bag is headed to the trash can along with about six pairs of dance shoes, and my costumes are in my little sisters' dressup trunk. I also gathered up a small box of keepsakes to pack away. It included one of my skirts, a few little gifts from students, pictures, accessories, recital programs, and my favorite pair of pointe shoes.

My room feels so much less cluttered now. And it only took 11 months of being done teaching for me to get around to sorting it all. After years of having my bedroom decorated in dance things, I am welcoming the change and the additional storage space!

In Acceptance Lieth Peace

You are a hiding place for me;
You preserve me from trouble;
You surround me with shouts of deliverance.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my eye upon you.
Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding,
which must be curbed with bit and bridle,
or it will not stay near you.
Many are the sorrows of the wicked,
but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.

Psalm 32:7-9

I want to win!

There is a book give-away going on over at www.jcrylequotes.com. I found out about it via Matt (http://justanotherwretch.blogspot.com/) and in a shameless effort to win, I am now posting about it here. Go take a look!

Grace to Glory

This week is the Shepherd's conference in Sun Valley, California. My dad and boyfriend are there participating in person and I have been listening to some of the sessions via live stream here: http://www.shepherdsfellowship.org/sc/. (All of the sessions will also be available for downloading after the conference.) Each general session has included a time of worship and this morning they sang this beautiful hymn. I wanted to share the words here since I couldn't find a decent arrangement on youtube. It is long but the words are so rich, especially in the last stanza.

"Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken"

by Henry Francis Lyte, 1793-1847

Jesus, I my cross have taken,

All to leave and follow Thee;

Destitute, despised, forsaken,

Thou from hence my All shalt be.

Perish every fond ambition,

All I've sought or hoped or known;

Yet how rich is my condition!

God and heaven are still my own.

Let the world despise and leave me,

They have left my Savior, too.

Human hearts and looks deceive me;

Thou art not, like them, untrue.

And while Thou shalt smile upon me,

God of wisdom, love, and might,

Foes may hate and friends may shun me;

Show Thy face, and all is bright.

Go, then, earthly fame and treasure!

Come, disaster, scorn, and pain!

In Thy service, pain is pleasure;

With Thy favor, loss is gain.

I have called Thee Abba, Father!

I have stayed my heart on Thee.

Storms may howl, and clouds may gather,

All must work for good to me.

Man may trouble and distress me,

'Twill but drive me to Thy breast;

Life with trials hard may press me,

Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.

Oh, 'tis not in grief to harm me

While Thy love is left to me;

Oh, 'twere not in joy to charm me

Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

Take, my soul, thy full salvation;

Rise o'er sin and fear and care;

Joy to find in every station,

Something still to do or bear.

Think what Spirit dwells within thee,

What a Father's smile is thine,

What a Savior died to win thee;

Child of heaven, shouldst thou repine?

Haste, then, on from grace to glory,

Armed by faith and winged by prayer;

Heaven's eternal day's before thee,

God's own hand shall guide thee there.

Soon shall close the earthly mission,

Swift shall pass thy pilgrim days,

Hope soon change to glad fruition,

Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

Thought For Today

This morning's greeting with my pastor went like this:

Me: Good Morning
Him (with a teasing grin): Good Morning. Are you sinless today?
Me (a tad smugly, since I had the answer to that question): Ha! No. How about you?
Him: Only in Christ!

Ummm, yep. He had the better answer. And for some reason, his response continually popped into my head throughout the day. "Only in Christ."

I make an effort to remind myself of my sinful state. This is a safety measure; it removes my pride and prevents me from taking grace for granted. Each day that I live as a believer is a battle against my flesh and if I don't see myself as sinful, it will obviously be impossible for me to be effective in that fight. Acknowledging that I am still a sinner also helps me to extend that grace to others when they sin against me.

But I must balance that with the truth that I am justified in Christ. Without this, my fight against my flesh is fruitless because I cannot win it apart from Christ. In Him though, the victory has already been won!

"There is therefore now no comdemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." ~Romans 8:1

"Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long;we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romand 8:33-39

Ski Day!

Dad and I spent last Saturday skiing in gorgeous Sun Valley, Idaho. It was just the two of us and we were thoroughly spoiled with gondola rides, great snow, sunshine, and lunch in the restaurant at the top of the lift. My legs were exhausted from being pushed so hard during their first time on the slopes this year. Must get into better shape!

Which was better, the slopes or the scenery? Hard to say!

Sooo, It is 2010! (This is a rambling post with very little substance...ye be warned)

I am leaving in about half an hour for Awana, leaving me about twenty five minutes to type something interesting for the blog world to read. Seeing as I have enjoyed my holiday vacation by vacationing from blogging, I suppose I could ramble on about any number of recent happenings and goings on from my spot in the world. Let's see, what to type?

As I contemplate, there is a cute little three year old in a Cubbie vest who is hovering around my laptop asking me "What you doin'? You typin'? What's say?" He knows that we get to leave for Awana soon, so he is anxious for current activities to be completed so we can be on our way. He is displaying an enormous amount of patience for a three year old though. And it is oh so hard to type coherently when I am distracted by his pretending to sound out the letters and periodically hugging my arm and saying "I likes you!" Oh yes, I am in love.

He has currently wandered off. Now that I have the opportunity to type at the pace I desire, I am afraid that the ramble I had intended to record when first opening this blog has now left my head completely. Such is the tendency with rambles; if one does not snatch them up when they present themselves, they will soon disappear. Good thing a new ramble is usually following closely behind the disappearing one.

Soooo, I get to go spend an evening with my precious 2nd grade Sparkies tonight. We shall sing and pray and recite verses and run and play and listen and answer questions. Someone is going to mispronounce something in their verse (making for a very humorous translation usually), someone will have at least one story to tell me about a pet, someone is going to get corrected for not obeying the first time, and someone is probably going to define sin by telling a story about a sibling. There will be opportunities to explain words like grace and redemption, chances to explain how verses apply to us personally, and lots of joy is seeing how much the kids love to learn.

Just about time to load in the car, the resident Cubbie will be very thrilled with the announcement!

Books, books

I decided to take the challenge given at Pursue The Beauty blog given here: http://pursuethebeauty.com/2009/12/09/see-what-im-reading/. The challenge is to take a picture of the books you are currently reading as well as a picture of the books you would like to be reading. Sooo, here is what I am reading....

Hopefully you can see the picture clearly. I feel the need to qualify the statement "Here is what I am reading" with the explanation of "Here is what I am reading when I am not studying or checking up on my favorite blogs". My reading time is rather limited lately, so Evidence Not Seen and Womanly Dominion are currently being read snippets at a time. The first is a biography about a missionary to the jungles of New Guinea during WWII. Womanly Dominion (contrary to the initial first impression given by the title) is a fabulous explanation of what it means for a woman to fulfil her role within the command to "fill the earth and subdue it". I am reading Lies Women Believe and doing the accompanying study with my sister and a friend, so it is the one book in my stack apart from my Bible that is truly being read on a regular basis. Sadly, my diet of fictional works has been mostly famine lately. Just no time for fiction right now, but I did steal an hour yesterday to curl up with Longfellow's poems in front of the fireplace after a loooong study time. Such a delicious delight! With illustrations, the embossed cover, a yummy "old book" smell, and a publishing date of 1885, The Complete Works of Longfellow is one of the most treasured volumes in my little library. There at the bottom of my stack is my beloved Bible which I received as a graduation gift from my church. I am currently reading through Galations and some of my notes from that may eventually, possibly, maybe, make it into a blog post. We shall see.

The picture to the right is my "What I would like to be reading" stack. It was tough to decide what to put in this stack as the list of good books is ginormous, so I just tried to think what books I would grab if I had a guilt free chunk of time to read whatever I wanted. Meaning, no school reading or studying in my schedule. Not happening anytime soon though. As you can see, there is a considerable amount of fiction in this stack. To be honest I am craving fiction right now and the familiar volumes of Little Women and Christmas Carol begged to be read when I picked them up for this picture-op. But, I am restraining myself and they are staying in this stack. Spectacular Sins, written to explain how God is glorified in spite and through the existence of sin, has been on my shelf since I got home from the Resolved Conference this summer. Because it is such a heavy topic, I have left it on my shelf until I have time to read it through instead of just in spurts. That Hideous Strength is the last of C.S. Lewis's fictional books that I have not read and I am looking forward to finishing this last volume from his Space Trilogy. Seeking God and The Life and Diary of Daniel Brainard have been on my "To Be Read" shelf since dad got home from the Shepherd's Conference in March and it looks like they will be staying in that stack a bit longer for now. Perhaps I should have put Womanly Dominion into this stack as well since I would like to be reading it on a more consistent basis. I am thankful for the ability to do school, so I am not complaining about my lack of reading time, but I am definitely looking forward to the opportunity to read for fun a bit more once this degree is completed!

'Tis The Season

But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God. ~Galations 4:4-7

Happy Thanksgiving!

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ. ~Ephesians 1:3~

Every spiritual blessing. And never deserved or earned by us. Wow!